And I wonder what I'm doing in a place like this
by berryslushie
Summary: Rachel and Quinn overcame a lot in highschool to finally admit their feelings to each other but now they're in college at opposite ends of the country and being apart is proving harder than they'd imagined. R/R? Faberry.
1. And I wonder what I'm doing

_It's cold outside and I wonder what I'm doing in a place like this. _

Quinn never knew the meaning of loneliness. She never understood what it felt like to miss someone, that hard exterior that she guarded herself with throughout high school eventually became more than skin deep. It became her. She was beautiful, popular, even through her most troubling times she was surrounded by a group of people who cared. Even if those people were the misfits of the McKinley High Glee Club, they cared enough to make sure that Quinn never felt truly alone.

She looked outside and sighed, turning her back on her new dorm and roommate, still dreaming of what she'd left behind. Lima, Ohio was a small town; she knew there was nothing there for her. That's what she told herself. Nothing should have been pulling her thoughts back to that place she once called her home. She'd always dreamt of having the chance of getting out and here she was, thousands of miles away, the furthest from Lima she had ever been and all she wanted to do was turn back.

"Is it a boy?" her roommate asked, snapping Quinn back into reality.  
"Excuse me?"  
"Is it a boy that you miss?" She asked again.  
Quinn's mind stumbled over phrases, things she should have said, things that would have been right but instead she just smiled. She should have just agreed to avoid any further questioning but that would have been disloyal. She could hide her feelings but she could never, ever deny them.

This feeling was so new to her, placing her hand lightly over her stomach, she thought for a moment that maybe she was ill. She could have food poisoning; the restaurant where she had bacon earlier did look a little dodgy. Hundreds of excuses flew through her mind but it was more than anything she could have conjured up. It was more than something psychical. She missed her. She missed Rachel Berry.

Rachel Berry tossed and turned. The bright lights of the city kept her awake or at least that's what she told herself. She just wasn't used to the lights and the noise yet. This was where she was supposed to be. New York City, the place she'd dreamt of since she was a little girl. She was going to achieve her dreams, she had to, she had worked for this all her life. She wasn't going to let anything hold her back. It wasn't supposed to be this way. She was supposed to be looking forward and all she could do was look back. It's only been a week, how can it already be so hard to be away from her? She craved her touch, the sound of her voice; she even craved her snappy, bitchy ways. All of her. She needed her. Rachel never thought that being so far from her would feel like being so far from herself. That was what Quinn had become, her other half and Rachel so desperately needed to feel whole again.

They'd agreed for it to be like this. They wouldn't make contact until it was absolutely necessary. They needed to live their own lives, achieve their own dreams. They would both be too busy, Rachel with auditions for musicals, Quinn with school and anyway, Quinn's strict Christian school wouldn't allow for her relationship with Rachel. They had to keep it a secret. Again. They should have been used to this by now. Shadowing their love. Rachel had almost accepted that she would never be able to hold Quinn's hand in public, or be able to kiss her girlfriend. They would never be able to be a normal couple. Not yet, not until all of this was over. Then, once their lives had settled into what they'd longed for them to be, they would come back to each other.

Rachel put her pillow over her head, grumbling, she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep tonight no matter how much she tried. She closed her eyelids tightly imagining Quinn's smile but the picture in her mind was blurry, what if she forgot what her smile? Just as panic was setting in, a load buzzing made her jump right up. She grabbed her phone from the desk beside her tiny twin sized bed, the bright light from the display causing her to squint.

_"I can't do this anymore, Rachel. I can't be without you."_


	2. September never stays this cold

_September never stays this cold where I come from and you know I'm not one for complaining. _

Quinn wanted to give up. She didn't think she could do this any longer. It had only been two weeks and the pain was overbearing. She wanted nothing more than to be able to roll over and reach out for Rachel and for her to be there. She wanted to twirl her fingers in Rachel's dark, soft hair, she wanted to get lost in her once more. She stared at her phone waiting hopelessly for a reply that she expected wouldn't come. Rachel Berry, if anything was determined. Quinn should have known that no matter what she did that it wouldn't stop Rachel from reaching for her dreams.

It hurt so much to long for something so intensely and to know that nothing she could do would make that feeling go away.

-

_ Cause I'm still not sleeping, thinking I've crawled home from than this. _

Quinn did everything to try and distract herself from thoughts of Rachel. She immersed herself in as much schoolwork as she possibly could. She never missed a lecture even if the time spent in lecture halls was more time when her mind could wander to thoughts of Rachel but she was trying. That was all she could do. She had to try. She couldn't give in and be selfish this time, she had to let Rachel do what she needed to do, she just wished it wasn't without her.

_Rach,  
I can't stop thinking of you. I look for you in everyone that I see. I hear you in every song. At night, I Iie in my bed with my headphones up to full volume trying to imagine a clear picture of you singing your favourite songs to me like you used to. I'm so scared of forgetting the sound of your voice, the way your smile illuminates every room. The way you illuminate my life. I wish you'd reply, Rach.  
Let me know that you're okay? Please.  
I love you, man hands.  
Yours forever, Quinn._

-

Rachel Berry took a deep breath and signed out of her hotmail account. She knew that she was hurting Quinn but they'd made a deal, if Quinn wasn't sticking to her side of the arrangement that wasn't Rachel's fault. She wasn't going to let anything hold her back. It was getting easier for her. She was finally enjoying New York. She'd made friends, she was learning how to let loose a bit and she had some auditions lined up. Things were looking up and Rachel certainly wasn't going to start looking back. Love waits, right? Love waits. She repeated this to herself daily. If Quinn loved her, she'd understand that she needed to do this. She'd understand. She'd wait...


	3. I still know everything

It was a Thursday. Just like any other Thursday, nothing out of the ordinary. Quinn woke up and yawned her way through her daily morning routine. She zipped up her uniform, tightened her ponytail and smiled at her reflection. The day went on as any other school day does. She listened to her friends, Santana and Brittany talk about their weekend plans. She listened to Finn talk about football. She vaguely remembers hearing Puck and Finn mention that Rachel would be at the game that night. In all her desperate attempts to avoid Rachel Berry, the universe had other ideas, ideas that just seemed to pull them closer together. She contemplated skipping the game just so she wouldn't see her.

It wasn't that she hated Rachel. It was the furthest thing from hate she'd ever experienced. Every time Rachel entered a room Quinn's stomach knotted, her cheeks reddened and she couldn't fix her gaze on anything but Rachel. It had been happening for months; she first noticed it one evening when Rachel was giving her singing lessons. Rachel had been complaining about how Quinn's voice wasn't strong enough and she wanted to give her some tips. That evening, Rachel's hand brushed against Quinn's ever so softly and Quinn felt a rush through her body like never before.  
That was all it took for Quinn to realise that she felt something for Rachel Berry that she had never imagined possible.

The game began like any other much like that Thursday had begun. Just like any other. Quinn went through her cheerleading routine trying to keep her eyes from straying across the field to where Rachel was sitting. She had almost been successful until her eyes shifted for a split second to the brunette. She looked lonely. Everyone had their own groups of friends and Rachel Berry was sitting alone, her hands gathered on her knees, her eyes fixed on Quinn.

_"If I had a choice I would have married there and then in the field full of everyone who had ever passed you in the hallways with a slushie ready to throw your way. I would have shown them that you were worth more than the way they treated you.  
I fell in love with you that night, Rachel.  
I'm sorry that I haven't kept my promise but I can't keep away from you. I woke up this morning. It's Thursday. I woke up in your unwashed t-shirt and the scent of you is finally fading. I miss you.  
Rachel, Thursday's will always return but I'm scared that you won't."_


	4. If it's not keeping you up nights

Mercedes drew back the curtains with a swift tug. The room was a mess. Dark and cluttered, she had almost stumbled over the unpacked suitcase. She had come to visit Quinn not work as a maid.

Quinn woke up, startled by the light creeping through the window and by the image of her best friend standing before her. It was the most light she'd seen in days.

"Get out of bed, Quinn. This is ridiculous!"

Quinn moaned and pulled the blankets over her head, mumbling about how all she wanted to do was sleep. Mercedes was having none of it. She managed to get Quinn out of bed, give her a caffeine fix and get her out of the scrubby t-shirt that she protested so much about removing.  
They sat on Quinn's balcony in silence for almost an hour. Quinn was near impossible to talk to. She just stared into the distance. No matter how many times she snapped her fingers, Mercedes couldn't snap Quinn back into reality.

Quinn wiped away the tear that was rolling down her pale cheek. She didn't want to break in front of Mercedes. She had to be stronger than this but she just wasn't able anymore.

"I need out of her, Mercedes. I need to go to Rachel." She almost whispered.

She explained everything to Mercedes. How much she missed her, the unbearable pain, how Rachel hadn't even replied. She felt so weak. She felt so guilty for not being able to be strong enough to give Rachel the space she needed. She explained how she hadn't unpacked her suitcases because every day she thought of running away.

Quinn ached to leave. There were other schools. She would have other chances at getting an education. It didn't have to be here, so far from the love of her life.  
Mercedes listened intently and tried to reason with Quinn. She tried to make her understand that Rachel not responding wasn't a good sign. She tried explaining that maybe it would be better if she put herself before Rachel, but Quinn was determined.

She was going to be with Rachel Berry again and no distance, no silence, no one, would hold her back. She wouldn't give up the one thing in her life that she felt was true and real.


	5. Promised me Broadway was waiting for me

Rachel Berry slouched into the tattered armchair. At first, she'd called it rustic. The armchair, the apartment, everything. Rustic, that was her way of putting a positive Berry-esque spin on disappointment. She inhaled deeply, taking in the smog filled New York city air, she'd never felt more defeated.

She was Rachel Berry for God's sake. She was supposed to be a star. It was meant to be. She'd planned for it her whole life. Everything had lead up to this point. Broadway had been waiting for her. She thought about all the hardship she'd dealt with throughout high school, everything she struggled with, all for this dream. This dream, was that all it was? A dream.

If anything, Rachel was close to giving up on dreams. The deeper she fell into thought, the more her heart raced. How was she going to tell Quinn? She'd given up on her, for this. For failed auditions, a failed dream, she gave up on love for a dream. She hadn't planned to ignore her emails, her texts, her calls. She really didn't want to be away from her even though they'd planned on giving each other space. She read over Quinn's emails daily. Her pleading words ripped through Rachel's heart, it was torture and she knew that what she was doing to Quinn was even more torturous.

She wanted to make her proud, that was all. She'd wanted to fill Quinn in on all the roles she'd picked up, she'd wanted to tell her about the directors who were lining up to cast Rachel Berry. Of course, it got to a point where it was too late, or so she thought. Too late to respond without having to explain. Quinn must hate her by now, she really did give up everything for this dream, or nightmare which seemed more fitting now.

_I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all._

Quinn squeezed her last bit of luggage into the back seat of her car and took a step back. She took in the view of her college for the last time. This was it, she was going to get back Rachel Berry. She almost laughed at how crazy this was. How impulsive, it wasn't like her. She wasn't used to going against the norm, not alone. Rachel was always by her side through moments like that. She'd kept her strong. That's how she'd planned to make it through this, she knew Rachel wasn't there but she was on her mind, she was in her heart. She'd be at the end of the journey. She hoped she'd be at the end of the journey.


End file.
